Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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