Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
