did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
