the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
