Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
