i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
