Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
