My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
