I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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