cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
