i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
