i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
