i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
