So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
