Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
