You can't special order awesome
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
