I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
