I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
