party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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