woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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