We're facebook friends in real life
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
