im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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