I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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