I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
