So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
