How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
