no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
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so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
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Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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