so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
