after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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