bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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