Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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