HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
