So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
