One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
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Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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