I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
