where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I will pee on everything he values.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
