I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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