A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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