I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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