dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
