jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she peed on how many people?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
