I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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