i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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