She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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