She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Congratulations! We have a period
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