can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
