i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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