If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
