dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He has the fingertips of a God
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