Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
