Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
