words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
