if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
