I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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