Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
