Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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