your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
