I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
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I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
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Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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