Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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